The squeaky wheel gets greased….and sodomized. Repeatedly. And Pays for the Priveledge.

November 3, 2006

It’s happened again, friends. Another self-righteous asshole whose sole purpose in life seemed to be “preserving the institution of marriage” by denying basic civil rights to gay people — all in the name of Jesus — has been caught with his face in the pillow. (If you don’t get that last part, just think about it for a second.)

The Right Reverend Ted Haggard, pastor of the New Life church in Colorado Springs and president of the National Association of Evangelicals, has resigned after a man named Mike Jones claims Haggard paid him for sex on a monthly basis for the last three years.

Haggard is one of these Holy Rollers who runs with the likes of James Dobson, Ralph Reed, and etc. One of those people who just can’t stand the thought of two gay people getting married. And why not? Because he thinks gay marriage would threaten the institution of heterosexual marriage?

No, not really.

Only the sheep are buying that explanation.

My guess is that old Teddy, as a right-wing evangelical who happens to enjoy sexual congress with other men, gets off on having a “secret life” that nobody knows about. It’s a thrill, you know, clandestine meetings, hiring male prostitutes, living on the edge just a little bit. That was Teddy’s little game, and you know what? It wasn’t his fault. God gave him these desires, and then made it a mortal sin to act on them. God set Teddy up. And if Teddy gave in to temptation once or twice — or, say, once a month for three full years — he tried his best to make up for it by hammering those goddamned homosexuals every chance he got.

Of course, burning his candle on both ends like that drains a man quick-like, so old Teddy kept his energy level up by snorting some methamphetamine before engaging in his monthly butt-sex session with Jones.

I don’t normally take joy from another’s suffering. Really, I don’t. But having grown up in Rabbit Hill, among many staunch Southern Baptists who also happen to be very good people, I am damned tired of characters like Ted Haggard who put Jesus up on the pulpit and make him dance like the organ grinder’s monkey. all for their own benefit.

I’m also angry at my own people for not catching onto this game sooner, or at all. I love my people, but at the same time it pains me to associate with an organization (the SBC) that I believe to be a negative social force.

So here are some random thoughts on this subject, especially for the SB’s out there:

  • When someone spends an inordinate amount of time hounding a particular group of people, it’s usually because that person is actually one of them, and is full of self-hatred. Think about Saul/Paul stoning all those Christians.
  • How much time did Jesus spend talking about the homosexuals, anyway?
  • If an evangelist gets rich, he was probably in it for the money.
  • If an evangelist is heavy into politics, he’s probably more concerned with the politics than with Jesus.

Here’s why gay marriage is such a big issue. Back in 1980, the politicians discovered this huge voting demographic: Christians. They realized if they could get the Christians riled up enough, they’d come to the polls in droves and could swing even a national election.

So the big Evangelists (Robertson, Reed, et. al.), as Christian voices with national appeal, were suddenly pretty powerful dudes. For years and years they hammered on abortion in order to get Christians mad enough to come vote for Reagan and Bush. Then the Big Evangelists would go to the politicians and say “hey man, look at how much power we have! We control millions of voters! Break us off a little something something!”

Here’s the catch. In order to maintain their clout in DC, the Big Evangelists have to keep the Christians perpetually angry. After 20 years abortion wasn’t drawing as many crowds, so they had to find something else. And the homos were an easy target, with thier parades and their tight pants and their anal play.

So the Big Evangelists start preaching hard as they can against the homosexuals, and telling everybody that the homos are out to ruin the institution of marriage. They have to make it sound like the gays are out to get the rest of us, otherwise Joe Baptist might be inclined to say “what harm could it possibly do to me if two guys want to be married?”

Your hometown pastor gets up early on Sunday mornings and watches the Big Evangelists. You know, for inspiration. Steal a line or two here and there, perhaps. And he looks up to the Big Evangelist, so when the Big Evangelist gets really pissed off about something, then the hometown pastor gets pissed off too, and so he mentions it in his own sermon.

Now I’m just some dude going to church every Sunday, and my hometown pastor tells me that the gays are attacking the institution of marriage. And while I was getting ready for church, I caught five minutes of the Big Evangelist on the TV and he said the same thing. And the president said it to, kind of, as did the state representative who I saw at the fish fry a couple weeks ago.

So it must be true. Those sneaky gays are attacking the institution of marriage. We’d better do something about this!

Here’s what I might not realize. The President knows that by coming out against gay marriage, he’s gonna gain the votes of the people to take the Big Evangelist seriously. And the Big Evangelist knows that the more people who take him seriously, the more political clout he gains — not to mention the more donations he receives.

And the hometown preacher might be a good guy who believes that the President and the Big Evangelist speak for Jesus. Maybe it makes him feel important to involve himself in a big political issue. Maybe he’s looking to energize his own congregation around this issue. After all, every Big Evangelist has to start somewhere.

Everybody’s getting paid, right? Except for me, the seeker, who comes to church only to get a little closer to Jesus. I’m getting my soul damaged a little bit every Sunday, because people I trust are at worst misleading me about the spirit of Jesus, and at best are drawing my attention away from Jesus and toward things, like gay marriage, which Jesus didn’t even think were important enough to talk about.

I’m getting bent over, just like Teddy Haggard, and like him I’m paying for the priveledge.



  1. woo! Right on, brother. Good post. All I can say is, you said that way better than I’ve ever said it, and you connected the dots most impressively.

    All I can say for Haggard is: looks like the truth is gayer than fiction.

    I also like what Jon Stewart said to Bill Bennett about this:

  2. […] And then there’s this, detailed expertly by Duck. […]

  3. DMS

    man, it’s funny, because I was just talking about you last night to my friend Alex–discussing your political evolution and your courageous and passionate stand on this issue. So seeing this today was extra fresh. You are insanely eloquent and sharp on this.

    As a side note: a story broke on Democracy NOw the other day about Karl Rove. His father was a butt pirate. Seriously. And out and proud about it. Karl flew from his father’s funeral (where there were probably a lot of flowers) DIRECTLY TO the first 2004 campaign stop to whip up the Christian anti-gay frenzy.

    When does hypocrisy become evil?

    Keep your powder dry


  4. And what I can’t quite grasp is why forgiveness displaces anger so easily in the home congregation. All the articles I read quoted lots of folks who said things such as “he seems really genuinely sorry” and “he’s one of our own, we wish him well” and “i was moved to tears by his confession.” He must be a tortured man, etc. Not a lot of anger at the hypocrisy – or at having one’s soul daily damaged by listening to the antigay attacks from the pulpit, as Duck says. It makes me mad. MAD.

    thanks for the post.

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