Your Holiday Apocalypse Gift-Buying Guide

December 19, 2006

The editor of the Baptist newsletter “The Biblical Recorder” (who, by the way, seems to me to be a reasonable man in most things, though I’ve heard it said that his Circulation Manager is the real brains of that whole operation and. I’ll just say it, deserves a hefty Christmas Bonus) seems a bit alarmed by the fact that the creators of the “Left Behind” series of apocalyptic fiction books have come out with a nifty new computer game in which players, operating in a post-tribulation nightmare world, seek to “convert the uncommitted and kill the forces of the U.N.-like “Global Community Peacekeepers”:

It certainly appears as though the Peddlers of Apocalypse have failed to rapture — I mean capture — the Good Doctor’s fancy with this particular product. And I don’t blame him. After all, who wants their kids to waste these last few precious hours on earth pretending to slaughter infidel U.N. soldiers in the name of Jesus?

Not me. I want my kids to spend their borrowed time on this doomed earth reading about the horrors of post-tribulation life. Lucky me, the good folks at “Left Behind” offer a vast array of end-of-the-world products that no god-paranoid family should be without.

(A disclaimer: Feel free to explore the link and read no further. Commenting on this stuff is really just gilding the proverbial lilly anyhow. I simply can’t help myself.)

Seriously, folks, these are must-have holiday items. There’s something for every member of your family. Waking up to a “Left Behind” product on Christmas morning will be the next best thing to waking up in heaven!

For the kids, there’s a whole series of young adult novels featuring the “Young Trib Force,” a feisty collection of formerly hell-bound teenagers just trying to make sense of a world gone mad, holding out for the establishment of a cool New Jerusalem. The authors of this series certainly know how to make the most of a bad situation. The first book in the series is subtitled “Four Kids Face Earth’s Final Days Together.” I presume things only get worse in the ensuing thirty-nine volumes. My personal favorite and holiday pick is “#34: Bounty Hunters: Believers in the Crosshairs.” That’ll give the neighborhood skateboarders something to chew on.

Let’s face it, your wife has probably already polished off the original series. (63 million sold, after all.) So if you don’t want to be treated like the Antichrist on Christmas night (wink-wink), better give her the movie, in which only Kirk Cameron and a few of his friends are left once Jesus claims his own. (No word on whether Boner is Left Behind, although judging from that one time when he snorted coke in the bathroom on Growing Pains, I kinda doubt Jesus is going to snatch him up on the first trip.)

Finally, for the military-minded or the political junkie in your family, two separate trilogies fill in gaps in the original series with outlandish plots like this one:

In a single cataclysmic moment, First Sergeant Samuel Adams “Goose” Gander finds himself center stage in the opening act of the Apocalypse. Goose and the men of the 75th Army Rangers fight to survive a massive attack on the Turkish-Syrian border. Battling his own failing faith, Goose prays for the lives of his men and the innocents who are caught in the rain of bullets and missiles.

A little far-fetched for me, but to each his own.

I’ve given my own family the heads up that I’ll be doing all my Christmas shopping at the Left Behind store, and they assure me they’ll be spending Christmas Eve night praying for God to come take them away before morning. Mission Accomplished!

And if you don’t hear from me before then, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New…well, we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.



  1. With an attitude like that, brother, you are sure to be left behind. I hope Kirk Cameron takes pity on your soul. Can you feed my cat while I’m gone?

    I too am not a fan of apocalyptic pleasure-reading. I certainly don’t think anyone should commercialize it!

  2. Would any of these texts reflect portions of my past life, perchance? How did they know that I was in the Young Trib Force?! It’s miraculous…

  3. Dude, I wish so badly I could make it out to that shop. Damn it! I’d offend the shit out of some militant agnostic granola eaters out here. Hey, did you know that I get a lot of shit from loved ones for being too Jesusy? ME. True story. Just becaues I love JC.

  4. I am too drunk to have any idea what the hell you are talking about. I prefer football. GO REDSKINS!

  5. I believe you have to show the Mark of the Beast in order to purchase said video game . . .

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