My Chocolate Vagina on a Stick

February 9, 2007

Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal, which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
The Dude: Oh yeah?
Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don’t like hearing it and find it difficult to say, whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his… Johnson.
The Dude: Johnson?

–“Big Lebowski”

I have a vagina made of chocolate, and I can’t give it away.

My Chocolate Vagina

The university I work for recently put on a production of The Vagina Monologues in conjunction with V-day, “a nonprofit grass roots movement dedicated to ending violence against women around the world.”

In August of 2004 my cousin was killed by her husband. Last July I sat through the bulk of his murder trial. His first murder trial, as it turns out, after the jury hung 11-1 (for conviction.) The retrial is scheduled for May, and as of now I have no idea whether I will have the time off (or the stomach) to attend again.

So I’m all for putting an end to violence against women.

And I’m all for the Vagina Monologues, although I’ve never read the book or seen a performance:

Based on interviews with over 200 women about their memories and experiences of sexuality, The Vagina Monologues gives voice to women’s deepest fantasies and fears, guaranteeing that no one who reads it will ever look at a woman’s body, or think of sex, in quite the same way again. It is witty and irreverent, compassionate and wise.

Strikes me as a very healthy read. God knows we need all the honest discourse about sex and sexuality we can get around here. Perhaps some of us menfolk could benefit from confronting a little bit of our squeamishness about the topic as well.

I feel especially compelled to give it a read now that I have a vagina of my own.

(My Chocolate Vagina, close up)

I bought my vagina for three dollars at the Student Center, with the intention of giving it to my coworker K, a wonderful lady in her late 50’s who has been talking up the Monologues for a while, and even suggested that I go, although she had some trouble saying vagina out loud in front of me.

But halfway to the office I realized I had a chocolate vagina in my pocket that I was about to present to a female coworker, and I balked. I figured there’d be no good way to explain the whole situation to the Chancellor if she happened by while I was holding my chocolate vagina up for inspection. I imagined myself in front of some kind of Human Resources Junta attempting to save my job.

“Mr. Duck, did you present one of your colleagues with a gift on February 8?”

“Yes, yes I did.”

“Will you describe for us the confection in question?”

“Well, sirs, it was chocolate in appearance, and it had, umm, a stick on it.”

“Did it have any particular shape, Mr. Duck?”

“Well, as I recall, umm, yes it did.”

“As what would you describe that shape, Mr. Duck?”

“Well it, you know, it, umm, reminded me of, a, you know–”

“Speak up, Mr. Duck.”

“A Georgia O’Keefe painting?”


(one artist’s rendering of my vagina, in white chocolate)

Of course the funniest part of this whole episode would have been watching me trying to get the right light to photograph my own vagina with my camera phone while sitting at my desk.  Unfortunately, unless HR alerts me otherwise, no video exists of that moment.

I’ve had this thing for less than 24 hours and it’s already created complications in my life that I could neither forsee nor forestall.

See the Monologues?  Hell, I think I could write my own chapter.


  1. I’ve never seen this “sensitive” side of you, Duck. It takes a real man to admit that he has a chocolate V-jay jay.

  2. …on a stick.

  3. Your blog is the reason there are blogs. You delight me.

  4. Duck, o dau ma co y nghi ra Georgia O voi white vagina? Absolutely brilliant, you know.

  5. My vagina hurts from laughing.


  6. Hehe. I made Daren’s vagina hurt.

  7. I just cried laughing. Hoo boy. Nicely done.

    I would’ve PAID to watch you hand that over to a coworker. Seriously.

  8. I swear you get bored fast

  9. Really? You see a vagina in that painting? Cause it doesn’t look like any vagina *I’ve* seen (of course, all I have to go by is my own, from using a mirror, so it’s probably not a good enough image to judge :P).

    Personally, I thought that this painting by her looked *way* more vagina like than the one you posted 😛

    I found your site doing a google search for Georgia O’Keefe flowers. I was looking for similar flowers to the one you posted, only the flower was “staring” straight at the artist/view. It had three other white flowers in the background. Have yet to find a huge ass picture of that flower 😦 Used to have 2 of that flower myself, the bigger version with 3 other flowers is on my wall and the smaller version with just the singular flower is in one of my old diaries 😦

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